Why are so many men not having sex and not pursuing relationships?

Today I feature a letter from a Japanese female subscriber who has recently found my work and realized that pornography is likely the reason why so many of the young men she meets in her country either have no interest in pursuing real sex and relationships or have no idea how to have sex with a real partner.

The full text of Anon’s letter is below in italics. My comments are in bold.

Hello Noah

I have seen your YouTube channel, I got curious if this porn pandemic! I wanted to know more about it! You have mentioned we can get a free copy of your book on your site but I wasn’t quite sure how, so I decided to send you an email. 

I would greatly appreciate it if you can send me one.

I make my book available for free to everyone, because this information is vital to so many people’s health and well-being; I believe everyone should have ready access to it. You can get the PDF of my book for free by subscribing to my newsletter here.

I am a Japanese female but I am interested in this topic because I found out younger generation of Japanese men (teens and early 20’s) are not interested in dating women! 😳

After hearing you talk, I thought, maybe because they are watching too much porn!!??

I want to read your book! if you are providing free PDF copy I would love to receive it!

Yours truly,

Anon

Noah’s response: Hello, Anon! I’m glad that you found my work and decided to email me. Yes, I offer my book for free as a PDF to people who subscribe to my newsletter. I have read about the decreasing rates of sex and marriage in Japan, especially among young men, and I am quite convinced that pornography is a major contributing factor, yes. I hope you find my book helpful–let me know what you think after you read it.

Hi Noah

Thank you so much!!

Yes it’s a huge issue here!

A lot of married couples have sexless marriages here which I thought they married for the wrong reasons! I am sure that has something to do with it! But I have found out a lot of Japanese men have no idea how to make love!! So for a women it’s a pain!

I have worked with many married couples who are unable to have sex or even have never been able to have sex. Sometimes this leads to a dissolution of the marriage. Sometimes a couple will just accept their sexless reality and stop trying. Sometimes a wife’s heart is broken when she finds out that her husband is regularly masturbating to porn but cannot have sex with her. All of the time, porn addiction and porn-induced sexual dysfunction severely limits the intimacy, joy, and satisfaction between two lovers. If you’re in such a relationship, take action now. You both deserve better.

They get their sex education from Porn and a lot of Japanese men go to bath houses aka whore houses, and having sex with a professional and regular women are different!

Even when users are consciously aware that pornography is not a realistic depiction of sex, that imagery still trains and conditions their understanding of  sex. Rather than understanding sex to be a culmination in intimacy between two affectionate lovers, it becomes a largely physical act of objectification and mechanical fulfillment of lust. Buying sex from a stranger becomes more comfortable to these men because it is more similar to the experience they are most used to: consuming porn. Unfortunately, many of these men lose the drive and/or ability to actualize real loving intimacy.

I was hanging out with 20 year old boys the other day and they told me a lot of their friends are not interested in dating women!! I was flabbergasted! They are not gay either!

What we know for sure is that Japan has a sex problem.  Japan has the largest and most profitable sex industry of any nation in the world, yet Japanese people have the lowest frequency of sex and the lowest rates of satisfaction, with only 15% of people reporting that they are sexually satisfied–as compared to 44% of Americans. 30% of Japanese men in their 20s and 30s and women in their 20s have never dated anyone at all. Marriage and childbirth rates are among the lowest in the world, arousing fears about Japan submitting to a dystopian decline as it’s population becomes more and more top-heavy. A telling fact: starting in 2012, more adult diapers are sold in Japan than baby diapers.

A strange trend has emerged in Japan of marriages with only a bride and no groom. Women marry themselves because they don’t want to miss out on the experience of a wedding, but they don’t actually want to be married.

And I found out about porn video addiction through YouTube!

Maybe porn video has something to do with men not intended in regular girls and women and married men have no idea how to make love!

What we don’t have is a single cause to point to in blame. I won’t say that Internet pornography is the cause. There are a host of cultural and economic reasons for what is happening in Japan (and happening more and more in the West as well), but I do believe that widespread and easily accessible porn is a major contributing factor. Here are some articles if you want to discover more about the downfall of sex in Japan and elsewhere: one, two, three, four, five).

I am looking forward to reading your book!

In Japan it’s a Serious issue here!! Much more than US 🙁

Yours truly,

Anon

I can tell you from personal experience that growing up with unlimited access to technological entertainments and escapism can do a lot to sap young people’s drive, ambition, time, energy, and happiness. Porn itself is a super stimulus designed to hijack one of our most powerful primal drives. When we add that to the pubertal equation, it can drastically change the course of our lives. We can become trained to pursue endlessly dissatisfying sexual novelty online and off, and eventually we can even become incapable of falling in love and functioning for real sex. Now apply that on a societal level, and you can see how our widespread fixation with porn can alter the course of nations.