In this video coaching newsletter I read from a subscriber whose PIED has ruined several relationships and destroyed his sexual self-esteem. Eventually, the pain got to be too much and Anon decided enough was enough. He found my work and pledged to become permanently pornfree. As he recovers, however, Anon is nervous about knowing how to please his future partners in the bedroom, and he asks my advice.
The full text of Anon’s and my conversation is below in italics. My additional comments are in bold.
It’s very kind of you to send an email to check in. First of all I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything that you do. My name is Anon and I’m 21. I have been doing great after reading your book, spending time on your website as well as watching your videos.
I’m very glad that you found my work. I was once you, and when I searched for answers I found nothing that could help me. Once I finally did find those answers and recovered, I realized that I didn’t want to let that to happen to anyone else. And to anyone else reading this, if you’ve only been watching my videos so far and have not read my book, do that ASAP. There’s no reason to skip the fundamentals. You can get the PDF for free by subscribing to my newsletter, after all.
Since I quit porn, I’ve only relapsed once, but it was masturbation without porn. It was not a negative experience; I learned a lot about my triggers and this has helped me to stay on track.
“Relapse” is often misunderstood. We have to define our own sexual integrity along this journey. For someone who is recovering from PIED, using porn, yes, is probably a relapse. Pornfree masturbation, however, is certainly not equivalent and for some people can be a healthful part of recovery, which it seems was the case for you. See No PMO: What Counts as a Relapse?
With my new porn-free life, I have started to workout and take better care of my body, I now practice mindfulness meditation regularly, I am more social and outgoing and I feel less anxious. I am more focused on my goals, more confident and driven and I have a much more positive outlook on life. PIED has ruined my last two relationships with girls that I loved very much. It was so painful and shameful to lose them because of my porn use. I now know that I’m on the right path to never let this happen again, and I feel an immense amount of excitement, hope and sheer joy to be alive that I have never experienced in my life before. My NoFap journey has been the catalyst for me to start putting in the work towards becoming the man I’ve always dreamed of being.
There’s a perfect example of “keystone habits” at play. Charles Duhigg in The Power ofHabit describes these keystones. Start or end one of these, and it can create a chain reaction of positive–or negative–consequences in our lives. One common keystone is making our beds in the morning, for example. Starting the day immediately with an act of organization and productivity can impact every decision we make until we put lay ourselves back down into those neatly tucked sheets. Similarly, quitting porn use can inspire us to make healthier choices and develop other growth habits.
Also, I’ve been spending quite a bit of money on information about the female body; how to please a woman, how to last longer, how to be a better lover etc.
I bought a course on squirting, I’m reading a book called “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner which is a guide to cunnilingus, as well as a male performance anxiety treatment course by sex therapist Vanessa Marin (which is actually what led me to research the effects of porn; I thought my problems were mostly due to anxiety). I’m sure that I will learn a hell of a lot from all of these resources and I already have, but I know that becoming better in bed with women will be a never-ending journey of discovery for the rest of my life which is very exciting. I wanted to ask you, do you have any recommended books, courses or resources to learn about becoming better in bed? I want to learn everything that I can!
Hey Anon, always glad to hear a story like yours! Congratulations on all of the progress you have made. I’m sure that you’ll have many joyous moments of intimate and sexual connection in your future. I won’t recommend any texts on how have good sex–it sounds like you’ve got plenty of material already. I’ll just say that great sex is about emotion much moreso than physical technique. Don’t get so caught up in book learning and touching her the way you’re “supposed to” that you lose your presence of mind and your own personality and creativity. Also, women are individuals. You might do things one way with one woman and she’ll absolutely love it, but if you do the exact same things with another woman, it could all go wrong and not pleasure her. Get to know the individual and foster good communication about what you both enjoy, fantasize about, appreciate, etc.
I’m glad I decided to reply to your last email; I think I really needed to hear all that. Thanks for the perspective, it’s very valuable to me!
(Two months later)
I just wanted to thank you once more, before moving on from this chapter in my life and never looking back. I can confidently say that my PIED is gone; I’ve just recently met a woman and developed a really great connection with her. We’ve been having successful, passionate, amazing sex and I’m enjoying the experience of sex more than I ever thought was possible or attainable for me. I have kept your advice in mind, and I believe that is has really helped me to have some great experiences with this woman. Thank you so much for your book, your Youtube channel, and for replying to emails such as these. You’ve helped me live a better life and for that I am grateful. Thank you.
My pleasure, Anon. Many guys get fixated on book learning how to please a sexual partner, especially when they’re not very sexually experienced. When they finally do get into bed with a woman, they’re thinking way too much about the physical mechanics of sex and paying way too little attention to the emotions of the moment. When you’re in bed with a woman and you know that you want each other, just enjoy yourself. Kiss her how you want, because you enjoy it. Touch her how you want, because you enjoy it. Say what you want, because it feels right. Take a break to talk when you’re unsure, and ask her what she enjoys. Get to know each other and become comfortable together. Later on if you feel the need to explore, sure, read the books and take the courses. Just don’t lose touch with the present and your own creativity and desires.